Halloween Costume Contests.

I enjoy Halloween. As bad as I might be at coming up with good costumes I certainly enjoy a good one. I can appreciate those people who can come up with something original and put it together. I even enjoy the regular old costumes you can buy at all the Halloween stores. As long as you’re dressing up and having a good time I'm on board. But know your limits people.

Every year all the bars have Halloween costumes for all of those who have dressed up. Some bars offer credit off your tab and others just give you straight up cash. All in good fun.

All in good fun until the voting starts and you realize that there are people out there who feel that their old lame costume is good enough to enter into competition. Like I said, have fun but know your limits.

Did you really think that your Horny Devil outfit was going to get the gold? A couple of horns and a plastic pitch fork and you think you got the stuff to compete with the homemade Edward Scissorhands? Get that weak shit out of here. The last costume that’s going to take home the prize is a "Hippie" costume sir. Your long wig, beads and peace sign necklace are sure to make the crowd feel that you really brought the spirit of the competition home.

The beat down comes into play when the crowd is forced to sit there as each costume is called up to the stage to show what they got. Most of the time this is the best part. You get to see all the great costumes that you can only really catch glimpse of through the crowded bar. But when I have to sit through countless costumes that are not even close to being competitive I get annoyed.

Yes Dear Reader, I know that I sound like a rambling Halloween costume contest snob. Like every year I go to a random bar with a note pad on Halloween night and act like I'm the equivalent of the New York Times food critic. It's not that. Like I said I enjoy all the costumes. I just think they aren’t all competition material. It would be similar to me being able to do a nice little cartwheel. Not great form but you can tell what it is I'm doing. That doesn’t mean I'm going to take that cartwheel skill and lay it on some judges in a competition. Why waste their time?

Now, if I could make that cartwheel really slutty.......that’s a different story.

I'm really bad at this Halloween thing.

At some point in my life I became really bad at Halloween. I used to enjoy dressing up. The whole process was a blast. Narrowing down who or what I was going to be. Gathering up all the materials. Having a little test run of the costume. Good times.

Now, I'm just really bad at it. I can never think of who or what I want to be. I can never find what I need once I do decide and I always end up throwing it on for the first time right before I leave the house.

I'll say it all began when I decided to try and start dressing up like movie characters. One year in what I thought was a brilliant idea I decided to dress up as Hunter S. Thompson. I'm pretty sure I nailed it. I had the hat, the glasses, a crazy Hawaiian shirt, and I even took apart a pen and made it look like a cigarette holder. Convinced I could come close to doing as well as Jonny Depp I even talked like him. Right up until about the 8th time I had to explain who I was. No one seemed to get it. It was as if no one had ever seen the movie. I'll say I lost a little faith in people that night. The only saving grace of the night being that I got to see a slutty nurse punch a drunken vampire in the face. That'll brighten any day.

The year after that fiasco I decided I needed to step it up. Go with someone more iconic. But I didn't want to take that easy route and go with an Indiana Jones or someone I could buy a kit for at a Halloween store. Black slacks, black suit jacket, black shoes, white dress shirt, bolo tie (don't judge me for having one, it was for work) and a black wig I cut and pulled back. I was Vincent Vega. Or at least I thought I was. I was sure I had a winner on my hands. I had even watched the movie the night before because I was sure I'd need to have some quotes and the famous dance moves down. The first thing I get. "Are you Antonio Banderas from Desperado?" Are you kidding me? It's like the person went out of their way to not know who I was. It's not like I was even carrying around a guitar case. I will say that the Vincent Vega went over much better than the Hunter S. Thompson but not so much that I wasn't starting to get disenchanted.

The next year I hit an all time low. I'm almost ashamed to tell you about it dear reader. The day of, I woke up, threw on some ratty jeans, the same wig I used the year before, some sunglasses, and a Ramones T-shirt. I was a Ramone. I couldn't even tell you which one. I completely phoned it in. And as my friend brought to my attention immediately, the Ramones probably didn't wear their own t-shirts.

Since that year I have put no effort at all into Halloween. I was even the killer from Scream about 10 years after the film was even relevant. Just pathetic I know. I halfheartedly went as Silent Bob one year. People knew who it was but it was a hollow victory because having to use mascara to give myself a goatee and beard just made me realize how sad my facial hair situation is.

I can't promise that this year will be any better. It's a week until Halloween and I have no idea who or what I'm going to be. What got me thinking about this whole thing was one of the coolest ideas for a Halloween costume I've heard in a long time. A girl said she was thinking of going as Mrs. White from Clue. Brilliant! But she is probably right in assuming that she would spend the night explaining who she is. Not to mention most people would be baffled at the lack of skin showing. I pity the person who tries to make an 80's movie character slutty. This isn't a nurse or devil we are talking about. Besides, Mrs. White was sexy enough as it is.

Maybe dressing up for Halloween isn't about being recognized or having a great costume. Maybe it's about dressing up in something you really like and knowing that the people around you know what it is and how creative you were. Regardless of what kind of stupid questions you get knowing that you came up with a sweet costume is enough. Then again it's nice to get recognized and complimented by random strangers. Who doesn't like that? Either way I have a Rolling Stones t-shirt and a wig. I'll do it.

Lets face it....meth is just trashy.

So I've been thinking lately. How did meth get so popular? I mean I know it's cheap and relatively easy to make. But come on! What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of meth? I'm hoping it's not places where you can buy Sudafed in bulk. I'm 94% sure its something to do with horrible "meth mouth", a trailer park, or perhaps a mullet. My point being this. How can something so trashy still be so popular with the masses?

It's not like cocaine. There haven't been any movies made about the rise of an immigrant who comes to this country and builds a huge meth empire. Can you picture Al Pacino sitting at his desk with a huge pile of meth in front of him doing whatever it is you do with meth? I can't, because you wouldn't be able to fit that desk into most trailer houses. Don't get me wrong, I have don't anything against trailer houses, I've lived in a few. But you never hear about meth being made in a nice brick two story.

Listen, I'm not saying that there are really any drugs that deserve to be glorified. But meth is easily the trashiest drug out there. I know there is some chemistry that goes into making meth, but as far as I'm concerned meth might as well be made by the magical bond formed from cousins marrying each other.

So when that moment comes in your life that someone offers you meth, or if you even just come up with the idea yourself, think about the fact that you are about to literally do the trashiest drug known to man. Then ask yourself if you would be ok with wearing a mullet, or if your a lady, would you be OK with having a guys name or some sort of animal tattooed on your boob. If you answer yes to those questions enjoy the meth. Also, go ahead and say goodbye to your teeth, they will be leaving you shortly after your self-respect.